Never Change (Or How Yearbooks Lie)

 Dear Friend,

The end of the year rolls around and there it is- the pile of yearbooks that are stacked neatly by the future graphic artists and poets. You get your copy and begin to sign your heartfelt notes that you hope will stay with these people forever. You begin to get to the end of the page and sign "Never Change!" for extra measure. But though you mean for that to be a very kind compliment, could you imagine if indeed we did that? If we really never did change? Strive for change? Work on ourselves? What a sad existence that would be!

Let's do an exercise for a minute (don't worry- it's mental.. no need to get up! ) and think of your top three people you admire. Got them in your head? They will not be people who remained stagnant or didn't work on themselves. They may not have had huge lives that changed the world, but I can guarantee you they are people who have continually worked on themselves. 

Recently I was confronted with some truth bombs from someone who loves me most in the world, some I didn't like and some that I couldn't help but nod my head to. Yes, I still have a long journey (a never ending one) of becoming better. I'm learning that my responses to such truths could be handled better and with grace.. not something I have perfected yet. But unlike in high school where I couldn't imagine ever saying anything but half truths in yearbooks, I know that betterment is a gift. We are told that we are loved and worthy and kind and good, hopefully very often! (As I am sure you are!) You are though, as well, a work in progress. That gives me comfort instead of stress though, knowing this journey is long and never ending. I know that as I continue to learn and grow that I will be molded into the person that hopefully one day will be on someone's top three list. 

I know that high school Summer would be proud of the woman I am becoming. 

Cheers, dears! 

- Your Nomad

Not That Young Anymore

Friend,
There comes a time in one's life when you look around and see that you are no longer young. My experience wasn't a profound one, but Adam and I were just sitting on the couch discussing whatever came to mind, when our age came up. 27. Adam then pointed out that we are no longer in our "young twenties", but rather heading into the age of- wait for it- late twenties. Now, I know that I already have some of you rolling your eyes- Land sakes! 27 is STILL young! You could still have a good 50 years or so left of your life etc etc. But, without knowing it, Adam spoke a thought into my head that I couldn't shake. ( Poor man, a lot of the time  he doesn't realize that a simple sentence he says takes my thought process to a spiral of thought- don't you wish you married me? ;) ) We aren't young anymore. Come, join me in my thought for a minute, will you? Being young has a lot of perks. You make a mistake, "Oh, everyone at this age makes a few." Being young gives you freedom to be more wild, more unstable, more restless, more selfish. 
When does that young state of mind end? When is it not socially allowed to be this way anymore? 

Real talk- when do I have to step up and be that person that puts others first in my life? When do I have to settle into service, grace and love? 

I have a choice, daily, to live my life as if I have others to fall back on. I have a choice, daily, to live my life as if I will always have more time to do those things that I should do. I have a choice, daily, to ignore what it is that I am called to do with my passions, my dreams,  my legacy. 
If there is anything that this pandemic has taught me is that our time here on earth is short. Not to get preachy but WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Let's get up and lets get running. We have had time now to reflect and sit and watch the Netflix shows that have taken up hours of our time. Now, we must rise. 

So often I see people that are wasting their talents. Yep, I said it. They are wasting what they are genuinely good at because they can't schedule, they can't make the time, they can't decide on what to focus on. I am so guilty of doing this! I know that I should make that call, or plan that event, or make more effort with a friend. That passion will dull after awhile, your age will creep forward, your free time will be taken up. There truly is no time like the present. I love seeing people that are living their passions, showing their kindness, being present. It's inspiring, exciting and yet calming. You know that they aren't waiting for the best time to get started, it doesn't matter about their age- they just go and do. I don't want to waste a minute! I want to be intentional with the time that I have- right here and right now. Together, we can move forward with whatever it is that makes our hearts soar. 

Recently I was talking to a friend who loves doing photography (who has two kids at home,  mind you) that told me that she is going to be intentional with taking a picture daily of her life. Inspiring! 
My mom, who works a full time job and truly has little time on her hands still makes time to craft things that she loves for herself and others. Inspiring! 
Another lady I know managed people in her church to help a woman who came out of surgery to take meals to her in the next few weeks to ease her stress. Inspiring! 
Another friend uses the time she has rocking her baby to sleep to make beautiful sketches of other people. Inspiring!
My mother-in-law, who has a full house of people and runs her home,  has been using her Facebook statuses daily in this pandemic as a way to encourage people with words of wisdom. Inspiring!
The list can go on and on....

These are a few people who, at different ages and stages are using there talents now. That are putting in the effort and the extra work to make something beautiful of their time that they have. When we stop believing the lie of tomorrow or later, we can become the people we are meant to be right now. 

You are worthy of doing great things today,

Your Nomad

The Quiet of Quarantine

Hello Friend,
I have been struggling to sit and write for awhile, because it's been hard to get my head wrapped around these times. Gone are the days of busy schedules, meetings, quickly made meals and falling asleep to a long list of what the next day holds. I woke up this morning and chatted with Adam before he headed off to work, drinking our coffee slowly. (Ok, I drank mine slowly, Adam laps me when it comes to beverage drinking) He kisses me goodbye while I'm making our bed. I straighten the last corner and breathe in slowly. Now what?
My first two weeks (three weeks? I'm not sure at this point) were of me accomplishing THE LIST. Closets were cleaned, rooms better organized, meals prepared in advance. Though these things were making me happy and something that I could share with Adam when he got home to me pulling back a door and doing a swooping VOILA! And Adam ooohing and ahhing kindly for a minute or so, I had a lump in my chest when it was over. Was I doing something wrong? I began to send lists of things that I wanted to accomplish in the day to friends for accountability. I was checking things off, ignoring the silence of what my apartment could hold.
One day I cracked a bit. I admitted to a friend that I couldn't get my list of 10+ things done that I wanted to in a day. I was disappointed in myself. Wise as she is, she laughed slightly and said, "Sum, do you think that maybe the lists aren't what you are supposed to be doing? Yes, getting these things done are well and good but maybe you are supposed to take this time to reset?"
Ping! Went the light bulb. I was forcing myself to be productive, to be seen, to be important in my own eyes, where I have been given this gift of calm and meditation. Busyness was my crutch so that I didn't have to do some proper introspection.
I have, and maybe you have as well, this season of pulling back and considering what it is that God is asking from us, from me. Howard Hendricks says some profound words when he notes, "You can't help anyone else until you understand yourself." This time, though hard and scary and weird, is time where I can work towards betterment. This is the time now to reflect on relationships, dreams, goals. Where am I lacking? Who can I help right now? I want to be lead by God by a humble and quiet spirit, one that I can take the time to cultivate right now with His help. In this time I have seen people share, and use resources and tap into creativity, and it's beautiful. I've been blessed by phone calls, drop offs, prayers. When this is all over and we look back on the quarantine times I want to have cleared some space for betterment and wisdom in my life. I will have had a few more rooms clean and made some nice meals, but in the end we only have slivers of time before we are old and grey thinking on these things.
As I sit here in the quiet of the apartment, hearing the hum of the fridge and snores of my cat Meadow, I'm glad for the friend that set me straight. The future is unsure, but right now the purpose of the quiet makes for a calm day.

Please let me know if you want a chat or need anything. We are together in this, truly. 

Your Nomad, 

Summer

"To each is given the manifestation of the spirit for the common good. "

1 Corinthians 12:7

Running after Confidence

Dear Friend,

As a new year is upon us and, as new years seem to do, the reflection on what happened in this last year lingers in my mind. There are moments, however, that always seem to stand out more than others and this one sums up the year.
It came out of upset and anger that these words were spoken, quickly and loud. "You just need more self-confidence!" I, the receiver of the words felt like a hot coal had been thrown down my back. I was restless for days. My inner dialog went something like this; "I am not lacking in confidence! Am I? And if so, why?"
Then it began to spiral. I had all the reasons of why my confidence was lacking! For days my thoughts were on that:

I wasn't good enough,
 I hadn't done enough,
it had been a hard year,
my body hadn't morphed into  supermodel looks yet.

 On and on the spiraling continued. I knew that what I was thinking was damaging, but it was like I was in a fog and the fog and I were becoming friends.  I caught myself going to the running track and, as a dramatic soul, turning on my most emotional playlist. When the words spoken to you are honest, those words hit you like a ton of bricks. Around and around I went, anger and hurt seeping out of my pours, my steps heavy, my hurt like an open wound. There were two other ladies jogging and talking and as I huffed, they stole glances at my face as we went around and around and around. Then, as I was walking, a little voice whispered in my head, "What if you ran?" Pfft! What if I ran? Not me! The perky jogging ladies will see! I'm not good enough, I'm not equipped! I continued at a walk.  Then the voice got stronger, "Run, now. Run for your confidence." I stubbornly kept my pace.  "If not now, when?"  My steps quickened, my heart raced, my music swelled. (it didn't, but, my life is a movie in my head  and it felt like it did) And ladies, I ran. Not a cute jog over to the beach lounger, I ran. I'm sure I looked hilarious as I sprinted around the track. I was pumping my arms, I was breathing hard and I was running after what I needed, what I had lost- my confidence. I ran and ran and ran. I passed the jogging ladies and startled one as I passed. I continued as tears streamed down my face, I pushed on as my lungs started to hurt, as my laces became untied and finally, I stopped.  Now knowing that I ran after what was rightfully mine and in turn taking it back for myself.
I walked off that running track changed. Walking past people as I went on to continue my life knowing that this was a very significant moment. No one else understood what I just did, and to others it wasn't significant,  but this isn't their struggle or their path. It doesn't matter.  That day I physically reached out for the emotional and spiritual well being of myself. It wasn't comfortable, it wasn't easy, but I showed up for myself.

 Now, how are you holding yourself back? Are there truths you have been told or discovered about yourself that you are pushing down in attempts to hide? Let's put them out in the open and let them breathe! Let's get upset about where we are and where we want to be! Let's seriously band together and encourage each other to be our best selves! Let's go and seek counsel from people who know us and love us and determine what it is that needs to change!
I'm ready, are you? What are you going to run after this year? 2020 is your year, this is not going to be easy, but nothing ever is when it comes to bettering yourself.

I believe in you and I believe in myself.
Love,

Your sweaty hippie

Big Dreams Can Be Yellow Houses

Dear Friend,
I have been doing a lot of goal setting, introspection, and reading a lot of self-help books as of late. I recently stumbled across a book called, "Girl, Stop Apologizing" by Rachel Hollis and instinctively snatched it up. In my head I was saying, "Girrrrlll, I'm Canadian! That's what I do!" , but began to read and (though there are some things I don't agree with) began to love what she was saying. If you want something, stop thinking so much about it and get going. There! You don't even need to read the book! ;) There is a part of the book that asks you to define your ten dreams that you have for your overarching ONE GOAL. Now, you best be knowing that I was there with my notebook ready and rearing to go! Imagine me with my messy high bun and crazy eyes as I hunched over this little notebook as I began to form my "Who do I want to be in ten years" note. Before I even began putting pen to paper, however, I had a flashback to a part of my childhood I would like to reference.

Mr. Lima was my 7th grade art teacher who was cool and funny. I was living in Brazil at this time and being an outcast in my class and still learning Portuguese, art became therapy. You dont have to speak in art class, you are allowed to be as moody as you want in art class, and if people don't understand your work, well, that means you are a true artist. I remember one specific day where Mr. Lima told us to get large pieces of white paper and draw our dream houses. Whatever our hearts desired, and then we would present our pictures at the end of the week. I, taking all assignments seriously, took the rest of the class to think of what I would want. The end of the week came and we were all to present our homes. I still remember the feeling I had when others got up and had drawn mansions with tide pools and gold plated doors. There were waterfalls in the living rooms, there were gumball machines in bedrooms and there was no room for want! I was mortified. I did the assignment wrong! It was my turn to present and my hands were sweaty. My crush was at the back of the class looking with anticipation as to what I had  to show. (His house had a huge basketball court in it-- our love was never meant to be) I hold up my picture and squeaked out, "Uhm, here is my yellow house." I looked over to my cool art teacher and he looked a little baffled. Clearly noting my distress he asked, "So, Summer, take your time and describe your house to us." A simple picture, with a yellow house on the right side with flowers in flower beds in front. A dirt road that led to the house and a big yard where I had drawn my pug and horses in the distance in the  neighbor's yard with a fence. (I knew that I liked horses but didn't want to have to take care of them) "This is, uhm, my dream house. I uhm, know it's simple (glancing at Crush at the moment and his face shows confusion- I. am.dead.) but it is in the country and I can grow a garden and have a dog." The class was silent until Mr. Lima said, "Is that all you have? This is your dream house?" I mumbled something inaudible and sat down wanting to throw my paper away right then and there with tears being blinked away.

What I wish I could have said was, "Yeah, Mr. Lima! This is my dream house! I love it and took lots of time to think of what my dream house would be and I am proud of my house and my dreams!" I think there was a reason why my flashback was a negative one where others didn't see my dreams. That was a moment where I was showing a part of me and the reaction was negative. How true is that for all of us? I am sure what we have felt at some point like our dreams and goals are seen as not good enough. But, in the long run, it doesn't matter what your Mr. Lima says, does it? It doesn't matter that your basketball loving Crush doesn't get it either, does it? No, it may feel like those people's opinions matter but they don't. We all have dreams and we all have big goals! Most likely there will be people that will be confused but you don't have to explain it to them. The people that you share those thoughts with should be supportive and excited for you and help you on your journey! I have a friend who sends me houses that one day I would like to live in! I love that she sees my goals and knows that it can be obtained.

After my That's-So-Raven moment of a flashback, I wrote my goals and dreams down, without worry or outside bias. I was specific and am now excited for the next ten years of me obtaining those goals! I hope that you too will be honest with your own self and the things that God has shown you to pursue. I'll tell you this- I still have that yellow house on my list!

Your Hippie,

Summer

It's Okay to Stay

Dear Friend,

We were in the car, my friend and I, just driving on a sunny day when the question was asked, "Do you really think you will stay on the Island forever?" I, not one to really take the time to contemplate, responded with a, "Of course!" and the conversation eased into another subject- but the question continued to rattle inside my head for the next few days. While out with another friend, doing another activity, she asked almost the same question, "Sum, do you feel like you and Adam will stay here for awhile?" My heart flipped. I felt a lot of feelings in that moment as I exclaimed, "Funny! **** just said the same thing to me just a few days ago!"
After I said my goodbyes to my friend, I sat in my living room and contemplated. Why did I dislike what I had just been asked? Why are my friends concerned that I'll be gone? Do I want to be here? Does Adam want to be here?

The thoughts invaded my head and I was letting my mind go to images of my childhood of packing boxes, teary goodbyes,  and the final look at our houses through our volvo car window. The relief I had that I had my two best friends with me wherever I went, sisters, who felt the unease and the stress that I did as well. (truly the best gifts my parents gave me were my sisters) I vowed to my twelve year old self that I would be back here, eventually to make a home. Now, however, I anticipate a move, a change, a calling elsewhere. There must be something wrong? I am a nomad am I not?

Friend, I have been projecting unease to my friends. I can't imagine ever STAYING anywhere. I laughingly told Husband that the idea of staying means a lot of work. That means, no burning bridges, that means long term friendships and responsibility I have never imagined in my life. It also means stability, community, and value. Things that I would combat with adventure, excitement and story in my former life. I am so very grateful for my life before, even proud of the fact that I have never stayed in one spot longer than four years. I have seen, been changed, and have a deeper understanding of the world now that I have been immersed in different cultures and lives.
But.
It is okay to stay.
As the seasons continue to change with my family, my mother moving, my sister and husband moving, I have the "itch" to go and I feel FOMO as they pack and go off on adventures. Fear of becoming boring or worse, losing my purpose along the way.
I related these thoughts to Husband and, like he always seem to do, he calmed my mind. He said, " We are happy, we are growing and we are learning. These are the things we should focus on."
Who knows what the future holds, we may have many more moves in us yet, but for now, staying is beautiful.
 My unease comes from the uncertain, but isn't uncertainty an adventure as well? Isn't creating home a worth while purpose? I believe so.

Now, join with me and together we will go and strive and continue to work on ourselves wherever our steps take us. My home is open for you to come in and stay awhile.

Your nomad no more?

Summer 

"To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition, the end to which every enterprise and labour ends." -Samuel Johnson 

Carly Rae Jepson, Fuzzy Socks and Gratitude Lists

Dear Friend,

I found myself saying a spew of words- all ungrateful, all condescending, all reflections of what my inner self had been feeling. Tired, run down, angry, and sad. All the emotions that where in my heart came bubbling over and as I said them to a friend, my heart whispered, "Oh, you should not have said that."

I reflected later, on my words-why did I say such things? Disturbed, I did what I normally do when I have a conundrum. I call my Mom. She is one of the best people to reflect with, because I never feel judged or stupid, just filled up and heard after talking to her.

I began to cry. I was ashamed. I had let my heart speak unkindness and my heart felt so very weak. I told her how lately all my life seemed to be was -work, school work, house work,friendships, sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I was angry at the words that were climbing out of my mouth, I had no gratitude left. I felt like there was no space in my day to do anything but something already pre-planned and I just was tired. What I hadn't been doing is taking time for alone time and gratitude. My mom, like most moms, knew exactly what to say-speaking those true words and challenging me to see the joy in the day that laid ahead.
So, I began my next day. My mom had suggested  reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voscamp and as I had a few minutes before work, I started to read. Gratitude, huh? Well, here it goes. 
By page two I felt the heaviness ease, I kept reading. Gratitude had seeped out of my heart and busyness and upset replaced it easily, it had veiled my heart from my hurts.I began to write down three things a day that I was grateful for, simple things, but things that spoke to my heart. The gratitude started slowly,
1. Laughs with the girls in night school
2.Cheesy movie with no plot
3. Finding an old note from when Adam and I were dating

Then it just began to flow...

4. Listening to four year old's talk about their favorite dinosaurs
5. Adam laughing with his friend when he plays an online game
6. Sister chats
7. Meadow's whiskers
8. earl grey tea
9. my pug mug
10. driving looking at Christmas lights

Some days were harder, my heart taunted me as I looked desperately for the good. "It wasn't such a lovely day was it, Sum?"  The hurts of the day jump to action, rerunning in my head. "Was there anything good today?" There always is. Small things, perhaps, but I refused to give up.
11.electricity
12.Carly Rae Jepson songs
13. fuzzy socks

Giggling to myself and thinking, "How ridiculous! Fuzzy socks?!" But my mood was lifted and my heart was still looking for the good.

Simple, but therapeutic. I began to write it out every night before bed and my sleep was full of rest. As this exercise was gaining momentum, I began to note that I was less critical of others, less stressed and generally more kind. I want to be on someone's gratitude list of the day. I want to be a good part of people's day.
We all go through slumps, some longer than others, some things need to be mourned and it takes time to be happy. I do believe though, that there is always something to be grateful for. To find the positive in the day is being brave and counter cultural. It's a way for me to consciously say that I believe that God is taking care of my needs, seeing my insignificant life and blessing it. That my days will not go by with anger and frustration and contempt on my lips, but rather joy, respect, and love.

When I believe I write out my blessings, I am allowing blessings to impact my life for the better. We, together, can be the good in our own days by allowing our hearts to dwell on the good.

Together we can be full of gratitude.

Tonight I'm grateful for my Christmas tree, the whistling sound of the tea kettle, and new  Christmas cards in the mail. 

Learning always,

Your Nomad

"The brave who focus on all the things good and all things beautiful and all things true,

even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring the fullest Light to all the world"

-pg. 58, One Thousand Gifts