There was the whole summer ahead of me. I was worried. Worried that I would get bored, dull, or worse, that I wouldn't want to go back to work.
This job, as a preschool teacher, has many perks, but one that I had forgotten was that my summer was completely free.
Now, if you know me at all you know that I am a classic list maker. I made myself an extensive list of all the things that needed to be done along with things that I should do every day, like make dinner and journal.
My summer started beautifully, with visiting my sisters, brother in law and Mom. The energy that one gets from being with "life givers" was the push that I wanted to go back and well, GET GOING.
No lazy time for me! Get busy, go! Maybe there was a tad bit of guilt as well, as I was home and Adam was out doing some serious work- well I must be doing hard work as well!
So the list checking started.
- Mop the floors - check
- Clean out all the closets- check
- Etc
- Etc
- Etc
I was working hard and the house was clean but there was an unease in my heart- was I doing this right? This, if this was a movie, would be when the music swells and the lightbulb moment occurs. I am slower, however, than the duration of a movie and in this case it took noticing that by me working hard I still wasn't enjoying my summer as well.
It's when I started to implement journaling, beach visits, baths, long chats with Adam, going out with friends, staying out late that I was truly relaxing.
I live knowing that hard work is validation to who I am. I am proud of my work ethic, but I didn't realize that my list of chores was to validate the fact that I was on a break. It became apparent when I would check off my list that now I could go and take some time away. I couldn't just let myself enjoy the days.
Until I heard this statement:
" Success at the Speed of Balance"
We don't have to suffer while living, we don't have to go go go! Life isn't a race, self care is so very important. Only when your own cup is full can we then go and give and love on other people. When I let go of my crazy list and guilt of my freedom I enjoyed and relaxed and loved on the people around me. I can't be the only one that feels like I may burst when I look at my calendar as all my evenings and weekends are booked?
So, I went a step farther. I realized that I so enjoyed having free time to be and do and learn. So, recently I have cut out some activities that would be cutting into down time. I have also re-evaluated some friendships, and realized that it's ok to not pursue all people and to let go of the tight fist that I reassured myself was because "they needed me." To prioritize my lasting friendships, to take time with Adam, for family, to take time to be alone.
I truly want to be the best version of me, and that version is not too busy to take time to become balanced and to be present.
I may be pounding this one "aha" moment into my head multiple times this upcoming September, but I want to remember how good it feels to be refreshed and ready to begin again.
I hope that you are taking some time away to breathe and give yourself some self care! I am now a firm believer in true rest.
Your much more relaxed hippie
"Better is a handful of quietness than two hands full of toil and striving after wind."
-Ecclesiastes 4:6
