This blog post is not all that happy, and doesn't have much jokey jokey to it. It's kinda raw. If we were comparing this to food, this would be peach yogurt. (If you like peach yogurt, please come and eat some of mine, because whenever I get those big packs of yogurt, those are the last to go and I find are kinda gross. Does this happen with anyone else? Does anyone else have that last flavour they hate eating?) Anyway, I had a friend who asked why I haven't been blogging in awhile and my excuse was, "Well, I don't have any funny stories and life is a lot like peach yogurt." (She already knew my explanation for the peach yogurt comment) I was thinking it over though, these last 6 months in Texas have been some of my hardest. And, I think I was embarrassed to write about struggle. Who wants to say, "Oh yes! My life is NOT AT ALL what I thought it would be like in the last few months, and I really haven't heard God speak much lately..." Awkward. Tiring. Who wants to hear a 20 year old complain? I promise though, that this has a point. And, I think my struggling has been very good for me, even though I feel like I'm actually becoming that teenager that lives with his parents and his accomplishment in life is moving from the upstairs to his "rad basement man cave". (But in this case, a woman cave..) Don't get me wrong! I loveeee being with my family. My family is the best (sorry, your family is second, don't even try to compare!) and they are supportive and loving when I am moody and upset and when I am cheerful and sweet.
Lately though, I believe they have seen the more moody and upset side and this is why. It has been 6 months since I have been in Texarkana and I still have not had a job that has lasted longer than a day. (Two jobs, but both didn't work out. You know about Bubble Tea and that mess, and Hickory Farms didn't like that I had a Canadian passport and not an American one... yeahhh) That normally doesn't happen, I have had a job consistently since I was 12 and liked it that way. "Busy bees are the best bees!" as they say!! I even recently have expanded my search as far as Canada. ("If God doesn't want me here, then maybe there!" is my mantra!)
I get frustrated with long distance, I get sad that good friends are so far away and I want to weep when I have to say no to missions trips because I can't pay rent. Whew. The little good things become blurry after a few months and desperation happens. I took a CNA class. I need to wait a while longer for the results of my test. I cant be hired unless I pass. 2 out of 3 people that take it the first time fail. Strikes are against me. I haven't gotten responses from anyone from Canada or the US for the many jobs I have applied to. I even applied to the dollar store close to my house. Nada. And after awhile, you can't help but panic.
"What is going on?"
"Am I doing something wrong?"
" Is my life from now on a peach yogurt diet?!"
I sure hope not.
And, maybe, some of you are feeling the same way. Feeling down because life isn't going the way that you expected... at all. My 8 year old self wrote in my fuzzy pink diary that, " When I am 20 I am going to be married and have three babies and take care of black babies from Africa in my yellow house in the country." (I wasn't politically correct back then, my apologies ;) ) Sorry 8 year old self. That hasn't happened yet. Actually, the whole adventure part of my life is at a stand still. But, here is the deal.
I can be grateful that I am given peach yogurt. And, I know you can too. I know I am not the only one in the world right now that is saying in their minds, "Uh, now what?!"
Maybe your boss doesn't seem to notice that you would be the perfect candidate for a raise, or you wish your boyfriend would pop the question already, or your three years at college got cut short because your mom got sick.. the list could go on forever. But, take it from me, a girl who has been doing "nothing much" and the "God, I don't get it?" in the last 6 months that you and I can choose gladness in "eating" what I have. I can choose to be okay with not knowing what is next because I know that He will lead me like He has done in the past.
I have been having a rough round in the arena for a while now not knowing what He wants. I know though that He is faithful. I know that I am in a dry place right now, but I know that I won't be in it forever either. I am being taught and I am blessed. Ask me what I did today and I now know it is okay to say,
" My day consisted of applying for three more jobs, reading, walking the dog, devos, and washing the dishes with my grandmother and antique shopping with my mother and sister." No, my 8 year old self would protest! "This isn't enough!" But, it is. I must learn to trust and be patient.
Maybe peach yogurt isn't all that bad after all.
Your hippy nomad friend,
Summer
