It's been a few months of no speaking, and that is because I knew I was supposed to share this story but wasn't ready. To be completely honest I am not sure if I am ready now, but it's time. Being real and honest is hard, but we don't learn and grow from fake people and fake lives. We all, in our own way, are struggling with our own problems.
A few months back I was working as a cashier at my job when a lady andsher cute little crew of kids come through the line. Frazzled and frustrated, she clearly was having trouble with her kids having them behave and "shh!". I was processing her items, and she was getting more and more tense. After the one child says, "Moooommm, can I get this?!" She jokingly says, "Want my kids?" Without thinking, I look her right in the eyes and without thinking I say, "Yes." I couldn't even laugh or joke with her. Instead I just stared back at her and robotically finished my job. I called a co-worker over and told her I wasn't well and dashed to the bathroom and cried.
Why cry because a lady was joking about giving away her babies to me? Because I ache to have children but dont have any. I ache so badly to be a mother but am not on my way of being one. I was so frustrated, so upset that this lady, (who truly was all innocence) that I wasn't her.
Now, let's backtrack. I have so many blessings. I know that I have it so so good. I just really, really want to be honest. It's hard to wait. It's hard not knowing what the future holds and it's frustrating being in limbo. I was complimented recently because Adam and I are "So financially responsible for not having children yet!" which later, that comment lead me to crying later with a conflicted heart..
I'm not sure that I, Summer Clark, will have have the blessing of birthing a baby and that hurts my very soul. Now I know that God grants miracles, but it may not be.
So, why am I telling you this?
-To get past the lie that I have been telling myself that it doesnt hurt me.
-Because writing it out is therapeutic
-To remind us all that comments can uplift or degrade but there is no in between
and lastly to remember that we all have our own battles that are going on.
I truly hope this encourages you to be honest with yourself about your struggles. Some struggles never really go away but they can be less full of hurt when we air them out on the line. We humans can struggle, but we don't have to struggle alone in our own bathroom stalls. We can be honest and real and realize that we aren't alone.
You, friend, help me not to feel alone in this. This isnt a cry for sympathy. It's a cry to band together in honesty. Will you pray for me? Will you let me know how I can too pray for you?
May you always feel loved,
Your Nomad
"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;
perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
-Romans 5:3-5
