Falling in Love (with two guys at the same time...)

Dear Friend,

"I love you" was a sentence I was extremely nervous about saying to anyone, let alone to a person that I felt completely vulnerable to. When I first said it to him, I said it so quickly, so rushed, that as he was falling asleep in my arms I realized it was too late. I had said it and I wish I hadn't.
Our story starts with me, being my awkward self, meeting the sweetest boy I have ever met. I knew that once I saw those big brown eyes that I was done for, but didn't say the "L" word for as long as I could resist. We hung out every day, 8 am to 6 at night. We went on long walks together, we read (and completed) Mary Poppins, Pippy Longstockings and Peter Pan; he saw the good and the bad and loved me still. He was the reason I could scrub tubs, clean up puke, kiss fevered heads. No, this guy it isn't my fiance, it's Gordon.
It is such a great feeling to wake up in the morning and know that I am needed by another human, to be loved as babies only can. I heard his first word, I saw his first step, I noticed his first tooth. The love came crashing in, and I couldn't stop it. When moms would  stop and say, "He looks so much like you", my heart would explode with pride even though he wasn't, isn't, "my baby". I was warned by other nannies about how I needed to make sure I distanced myself, but I was toast. The days turned into months, and the love grew. 

Then there is Adam. I don't remember my first meeting with Adam, all I remember is that we became friends quickly and about a month in I was giving him advice for this and that. (This means I am comfortable talking your ear off) It took us two years and other relationships to get together, and Adam didn't need me and wasn't dependent on me. It was a lot more of a healthy relationship and the biggest reason for me to come and be a nanny for Gordon when Adam decided to move to Alberta. I didn't say the "L" word to this man quickly, but I was pretty sure he was going to be a part of my future after being accepted as a nanny in the north. 
There have been two relationships that I have been a part of that I have loved and cherished in this last year, but one must end so that the other can flourish. I'm not saying that you can't be a nanny and a wife at the same time, just that I can't be a nanny and a wife at the same time. I dread the fact that I will be saying goodbye to my pal, Gordon, in 29 days. I know though, that I need to move on from this chapter in my life and become excited for the next. I need to let go of my selfishness and belief that I take better care of Gordon than Gordon's mom does, because, even if I was,  he will always love his mom more than his nanny. 

Change is good, change is needed. Change is adventure and how can a nomad say "no" to that? What about you though? Is there change going on in your life that you are resisting? Let's let go together and trust that the next chapter will be a great one. 

Your soon-to-be jobless and married hippy,

Summer

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. (Romans 15:13)

Dear Me

Dear 13 year old Summer,

First of all, I love you. I wish you loved me the way I do now because it really is the better way to live. You are special, you are worth getting to know, and you aren't ugly. You have great talents and, sadly, you are wasting them by being so concerned about what others are thinking about you. There are so many people out there that need you to be less selfish- go impact, not be the norm.

 You will realize again and again that people aren't going to love you the way that they should.... There will be some really great friends, but mostly just duds at this age and they aren't going to care a lick about how things go for you. That isn't to say that you shouldn't be kind to them, because you always should. (always, always be kind to people, Summer. I can't stress this enough. Your character is built on being kind to those who don't deserve it) But, you shouldn't be bothered when you are upset about something and they aren't there for you. Some of it is maturity, but most of it is how you choose your friends..

Speaking of choosing your friends, you have this thing that really isn't a great trait. You love finding people that aren't very nice and being friends with them... Honey, you are going to get burned. Really, really badly. You think that this is a good thing because you are being kind,  but what you are doing is just making yourself have lower self esteem and you believe lies that aren't true about you. Please, stop trying to validate bad behavior because you are letting people walk all over you. It's tough now, but I wish you could see what a benefit it is to surround yourself with people who actually care to ask you how your day was.

Speaking about people who actually care.. there is Mom. You lash out at Mom a lot at this age and I really wish you would stop. She really cares about you and doesn't deserve your anger and frustration, vent it in your fuzzy diary with the lock on it.  She  will be one of your best friends and confidants, but at this age you butt heads. She deserves better... treat her with more respect.

 Boys, don't even go there. I know you are shy at this point about them, and thank goodness for that! Be cool with "just being friends", it's alright to be that. The funny diary entries about Jason are cute though and really kind of hilarious now...you'll end up years later reading them to your sisters and they will snort with laughter, so it's worth it. Just as an fyi, you don't end up with a man from Africa and have mocha babies, but instead you meet your very white best friend and unknowingly fall in like, that falls into love, that falls into engagement and becomes worth all the "you're fat/ugly/stupid" comments that come your way. He really thinks you're great!

Also- I know you want to be mature... I know that you want to "keep up" with the other girls... but you love Disney and dolls and colouring books. And there is nothing wrong with that! You will still like Disney and dolls and colouring books when you are 22. (And be much less ashamed about it at 22!)

Remember to talk to God, ask Him what to do and be brave. Soak up as much as you can about Him. He is your source of joy.
 You are at such a fun age and you have so much that you will learn.You are braver than you think, you are loved more than you know.

Love,

 22 year old Me.