Running after Confidence

Dear Friend,

As a new year is upon us and, as new years seem to do, the reflection on what happened in this last year lingers in my mind. There are moments, however, that always seem to stand out more than others and this one sums up the year.
It came out of upset and anger that these words were spoken, quickly and loud. "You just need more self-confidence!" I, the receiver of the words felt like a hot coal had been thrown down my back. I was restless for days. My inner dialog went something like this; "I am not lacking in confidence! Am I? And if so, why?"
Then it began to spiral. I had all the reasons of why my confidence was lacking! For days my thoughts were on that:

I wasn't good enough,
 I hadn't done enough,
it had been a hard year,
my body hadn't morphed into  supermodel looks yet.

 On and on the spiraling continued. I knew that what I was thinking was damaging, but it was like I was in a fog and the fog and I were becoming friends.  I caught myself going to the running track and, as a dramatic soul, turning on my most emotional playlist. When the words spoken to you are honest, those words hit you like a ton of bricks. Around and around I went, anger and hurt seeping out of my pours, my steps heavy, my hurt like an open wound. There were two other ladies jogging and talking and as I huffed, they stole glances at my face as we went around and around and around. Then, as I was walking, a little voice whispered in my head, "What if you ran?" Pfft! What if I ran? Not me! The perky jogging ladies will see! I'm not good enough, I'm not equipped! I continued at a walk.  Then the voice got stronger, "Run, now. Run for your confidence." I stubbornly kept my pace.  "If not now, when?"  My steps quickened, my heart raced, my music swelled. (it didn't, but, my life is a movie in my head  and it felt like it did) And ladies, I ran. Not a cute jog over to the beach lounger, I ran. I'm sure I looked hilarious as I sprinted around the track. I was pumping my arms, I was breathing hard and I was running after what I needed, what I had lost- my confidence. I ran and ran and ran. I passed the jogging ladies and startled one as I passed. I continued as tears streamed down my face, I pushed on as my lungs started to hurt, as my laces became untied and finally, I stopped.  Now knowing that I ran after what was rightfully mine and in turn taking it back for myself.
I walked off that running track changed. Walking past people as I went on to continue my life knowing that this was a very significant moment. No one else understood what I just did, and to others it wasn't significant,  but this isn't their struggle or their path. It doesn't matter.  That day I physically reached out for the emotional and spiritual well being of myself. It wasn't comfortable, it wasn't easy, but I showed up for myself.

 Now, how are you holding yourself back? Are there truths you have been told or discovered about yourself that you are pushing down in attempts to hide? Let's put them out in the open and let them breathe! Let's get upset about where we are and where we want to be! Let's seriously band together and encourage each other to be our best selves! Let's go and seek counsel from people who know us and love us and determine what it is that needs to change!
I'm ready, are you? What are you going to run after this year? 2020 is your year, this is not going to be easy, but nothing ever is when it comes to bettering yourself.

I believe in you and I believe in myself.
Love,

Your sweaty hippie