I have been struggling to sit and write for awhile, because it's been hard to get my head wrapped around these times. Gone are the days of busy schedules, meetings, quickly made meals and falling asleep to a long list of what the next day holds. I woke up this morning and chatted with Adam before he headed off to work, drinking our coffee slowly. (Ok, I drank mine slowly, Adam laps me when it comes to beverage drinking) He kisses me goodbye while I'm making our bed. I straighten the last corner and breathe in slowly. Now what?
My first two weeks (three weeks? I'm not sure at this point) were of me accomplishing THE LIST. Closets were cleaned, rooms better organized, meals prepared in advance. Though these things were making me happy and something that I could share with Adam when he got home to me pulling back a door and doing a swooping VOILA! And Adam ooohing and ahhing kindly for a minute or so, I had a lump in my chest when it was over. Was I doing something wrong? I began to send lists of things that I wanted to accomplish in the day to friends for accountability. I was checking things off, ignoring the silence of what my apartment could hold.
One day I cracked a bit. I admitted to a friend that I couldn't get my list of 10+ things done that I wanted to in a day. I was disappointed in myself. Wise as she is, she laughed slightly and said, "Sum, do you think that maybe the lists aren't what you are supposed to be doing? Yes, getting these things done are well and good but maybe you are supposed to take this time to reset?"
Ping! Went the light bulb. I was forcing myself to be productive, to be seen, to be important in my own eyes, where I have been given this gift of calm and meditation. Busyness was my crutch so that I didn't have to do some proper introspection.
I have, and maybe you have as well, this season of pulling back and considering what it is that God is asking from us, from me. Howard Hendricks says some profound words when he notes, "You can't help anyone else until you understand yourself." This time, though hard and scary and weird, is time where I can work towards betterment. This is the time now to reflect on relationships, dreams, goals. Where am I lacking? Who can I help right now? I want to be lead by God by a humble and quiet spirit, one that I can take the time to cultivate right now with His help. In this time I have seen people share, and use resources and tap into creativity, and it's beautiful. I've been blessed by phone calls, drop offs, prayers. When this is all over and we look back on the quarantine times I want to have cleared some space for betterment and wisdom in my life. I will have had a few more rooms clean and made some nice meals, but in the end we only have slivers of time before we are old and grey thinking on these things.
As I sit here in the quiet of the apartment, hearing the hum of the fridge and snores of my cat Meadow, I'm glad for the friend that set me straight. The future is unsure, but right now the purpose of the quiet makes for a calm day.
Please let me know if you want a chat or need anything. We are together in this, truly.
Your Nomad,
Summer
"To each is given the manifestation of the spirit for the common good. "
1 Corinthians 12:7
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