This Christmas I was home for the holidays! To say that I was elated would be the best way to describe it as I woke at 4 (okay, okay. I didn't sleep a wink) to get ready to go to the airport with Adam. I knew that this Christmas would be special, it was my last as a "Miss" and I had the bonus of having my fiance with me this year to celebrate. I was not disappointed, everything went well and I enjoyed the time a bit more this year. I had "pause moments" when I would just look at everyone and feel blessed. I tried to make everything go in slow motion, to laugh and to enjoy. I was squeezing the tub of blessing as much as it could go and by doing so coming to a realization that was not all that pleasant; "Life is changing, and you can't do anything about it," my little brain was telling me, but I didn't want to believe. As a child, I always had a hard time with change. I moved many times and rarely was there constants in my life. The things that were were my family and my faith. So when my wonderful fiance says to me, "...And next year we can have Christmas at my family's house!" My brain goes at it again and says, "NO! I need life to stay how it is!" I realize how unfair that is but I have a hard time letting go. To have another change and to see, ultimately how selfish it all is. My perplexities continue, however, there are men in my sister's lives now. My inner monster is no longer sending warning signals but has been unlocked from it's cage and free to freak. I feel this overwhelming need to shove my sisters into a closet and hoard them to myself. Why? Because these men don't know my sisters! Not like I do! I want to ask them what is so great about these men that they feel the need to date them?!
My "constants" are now going on dates and (without realizing it) talking quite a lot about these men when they aren't around. Is that jealousy I feel? Then I see the smiles when they receive a text "ping!" from their guy. Or when I see them exchanging sweet looks to each other while they are playing a card game together, or when you see "the look." No one can describe it, but it's the face that these men get when they look at my sisters of "wow, I am dating her". That is when my heart melts, my monster gets locked away, my fist becomes a hug and I realize I'm afraid for my sisters, for myself, to grow up. To have less time together as bigger and better things come our way and we would be absolutely stupid not to jump the next train for.
What I am realizing is, I have a gift. I have memories that no one else has with my sisters. The memories of us holding hands heading into a new scary school knowing we will reconnect at the end of the day and tell our tales of horror or joy. The memories of us having sleepovers in each others rooms, from playing Lego and dolls together, to sitting and doing homework together, to sharing our innocent hopes and dreams and believing that the other would achieve all that they wished for. Not all change is a perplexity, I know I will cheer wherever life leads us. A Christmas without each other together, a relationship growing, an experience that another can't relate to; these things happen but doesn't change a bond.
I would be lying if I didn't say that every once in awhile I am afraid. The unknown is scary. New adventures and less and less constants are what life is made up of. We can be afraid and never row or we can be stretched and so we can rely more and more on Him. I am excited, however for the new life that is unfolding for me and for the people around me. I am reminded to stay in the present and enjoy the here and now knowing full well that time goes by quickly, that my Peter Pan perplexities will be met head on, and that the future is bright.
Your nomadic hippy,
Summer
“To live will be an awfully big adventure.”
- Peter Pan
No comments:
Post a Comment